The Ten Best Albums You've Never Heard
The Ten Albums You Never Heard
(Because They Don't Exist)
By: Brandon Kruze
With all the music that comes out these days it can be hard to keep up with upcoming artists, established artists, old favourites, etc... But I ask, dear reader, what about the albums that have never existed in the first place? Of all our musical preferences, I would argue that imaginary albums get less attention than any other preference, mainly because they don’t exist. Today I’d like to go over ten of the best nonexistent albums that have never come out of Canada.
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10. Sam Samson – Hammy Hands
Now, we all don’t know Sam Samson. After all, he’s a name I just made up. However, since he never debuted his first album in 1997 after years of working as an electrician, it was never on the top 40 hits of the country. In fact, it was never even in the ears of anybody in the country, because, well, Hammy Hands was never a real album.
9. Ella & The Marmadukes – Who Has My Lighter?
We never would have expected a small town band from Airdrie, Alberta would have such a tremendous impact on the post-punk scene as Ella & The Marmadukes. The twenty three albums they hadn’t released over their six months tenure as a band marked a new wave of innovation and eccentricity to the genre. Most listeners at the time said they couldn’t believe it.
8. Cock Lightning – The Lost Generation
Now, who would have expected the Yukon-based blues musician Cock Lightning to release a hip-hop concept album depicting a sobering portrayal of World War I? Nobody, that’s who! No one thought that it would win the JUNO award, either. And it didn’t. Because the album doesn’t exist.
7. quiet winter – chinook city
Never coming out of Calgary, Alberta was quiet winter, a post-rock ambient musician with- Wait a second, quiet winter isn’t an imaginary musician! They’re a real musician! This is a real single! What was this doing on the list? What the hell is going on right now? Anyways, it’s a good single. It’s also the only one on this list you can actually listen to.
6. VYVCSFD – Hdfs, Thfssc Ljohp
Sometimes we find the most profound things in the oddest of places, and the appropriately titled Hdfs, Thfssc, Ljohp is a masterclass in interweaving an amazing story with intricate instrumentation and exploring a realm of music that many had thought impossible at the time. It’s a must listen for those with a strong imagination.
5. Chad Vincent – Chad Vincent
Oh my god, it’s Chad Vincent! Man, I love this guy! If you ever get a chance to see him live, you really ought to see it. He’s a tasteful blend of Andrew Dice Clay and GG Allin, and he’s one of the best acts to have ever come from modern history, a true renaissance man .
4. Jeff MacCallum – Bridge Over Troubled Water
One of the rarest imaginary releases in Canadian history, rumour doesn’t have it that Cups N Cakes founder Jeff MacCallum recorded a 1:1 recreation of the album Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel back in 2009. It was never said that he destroyed the master by throwing it into a bonfire during the summer of 2018.
3. Help Me – They Won’t Let Me Leave
A controversial album during its time of release, this fake album featured nothing but a man pleading for his life as he described himself being kidnapped by studio executives to make a pop album. He included the address of the place they were keeping him in the leading single “1411 Elizabeth Dr.”, which lead to his imaginary liberation twelve months later.
2. Chad Vincent – Chad Vincent
Holy shit, it’s Chad Vincent again! Woohoo! I knew this guy was going to be on here twice! That just goes to show the impact he made in the imaginary musical community. I wish I were Chad Vincent. I really do. I mean, just look at the guy! He’s so cool!
1. Bachelor – I Love My Wife
At the number one spot on our list is the release that hardly shook the nation. When the famous bachelor, Bachelor, announced his marriage to the woman simply known as “My Wife”, women and men combined were disappointed in this turn of events. His eleven song album detailing his relationship was first met with a poor reception before becoming one of Canada’s biggest imaginary cult hits of the early 2000’s.
- Brandon Kruze